Before any of you read this, I'd like to give a little disclaimer: First, this has just been eating at me for the past little while, and I've been trying to find a way to express it. Second, I am in absolutely NO way trying to be an attention whore -- I DO NOT expect or even want any feedback to this. This is just me venting so maybe I can figure it all out. Third, I'm putting this up as my journal because I want to. As stated in point two, I don't want any comments. I'm making this public more so others can read and understand my point, because I'm really REALLY bad at explaining verbally and on the spot.



And with that in mind, I shall begin.

Ever since I was little, I have had a love for knowing. My favorite topics of conversation are the weird things that no one really cares about -- the history behind Friday the Thirteenth, the safety precautions used when emergency landing an aircraft, the Nazi search for the Holy Grail, how mirrors are manufactured, why favor certain materials over others, ect. I simply enjoy the fact that I know. Though I will almost NEVER use this information except to show it off, it is this information that I value above anything else I know. Sure I could fill out a degree/radian unit circle if needed, but that's something that everyone was taught. (Or, were they really taught? I feel that with today's current education system, I feel almost as if what we're being taught are simply facts to be memorized. The unit circle is a perfect example of that. I enjoy information that truly makes me think -- which is why I cling to the random information I've come to know and love.)

But let me get back on topic. Some of my latest obsessions are psychology and sociology. Though I've taken no formal classes on either (though I did sit into a college sociology class for a month or so...) I enjoy nothing more than trying to figure out the workings of the human mind. Mix that with my passionate love/hate relationship with mass media, and I've got quite a thesis I could present if needed.

And why do I have such strong mixed feelings for mass media? Isn't the media evil? Yes, yes it is -- but I beat it. To a certain extent, anyway. In this case, we shall call it 'beating beauty'. And how did I 'beat beauty'? Simply, I stopped believing all the bullshit the media has been feeding us about how a girl should look, act, and be. And now that I am not swimming in the crap they give us, I can study it.

Nearly everyone you talk to will deny that the media has such an impact on people's lives. I did too while I was still young and naive, believing everything I read on the news or saw on TV. But I've come to learn better. Yes, the media has had a HUGE impact on me and my personality (it still does!), and I'm smart enough to admit it. However, people who deny it are only kidding themselves. Especially in a high school environment like I have exposed myself to, it's very easy to see. Kids in the same sentence will refuse to admit how under the influence they are by quoting a TV show, movie, or internet video. This is very VERY fascinating to me as I watch the media come through these teens in their words and actions in nearly every moment of their day. The catchphrases they use, the obscure faces they make, and even the way they walk all fall into accordance to the media. Everything fits.

But then, something doesn't. Me. According to these unwritten rules of the media, I'm greatly overweight. My hair is plain, and because I don't spend thirty minutes everyday doing it, I'm lazy. I'm a know-it-all. I was (until very recently) LDS. I dress like a hobo because I can't afford to buy a shirt for more than three dollars. My makeup is border-line goth. My voice is too low to belong to any normal woman. My nose is too big. If I were to enter almost ANY popular TV series or movie I would be the awkward annoying tag-along, or the fat kid everyone else makes fun of. I would not be taken seriously, because I don't fall into the social norm as dictated by the media. I'm a deviant (no pun intended).

So why the hell does everyone love me so much?

The first time I realized just how unlikely this whole situation was, it honestly started to bother me. I don't think of myself in a bad light because I 'beat beauty', but what about everyone else? While I never doubted anyone else's ability to do the same, it still made no sense. It's one thing to look at yourself differently, but a very VERY different idea entirely to see the whole world under these new terms of acceptance. Even I haven't mastered that yet -- there are honestly times when I see someone at Wal-Mart and I think "Well damn, I'm glad I'm not them. I would hate to be so _________."

Yet, my presence somehow defies these standards set by our culture and media. My gathering of friends seem to not care about any of these things. I can't say that many of them can use the "I like her for who she is" excuse, because not many of them really know me. Hell, some of these people who I group in this category are only people I see in passing. Yet, for whatever reason, they really do seem to love me. I jokingly told a friend once that they just hung around me so much, their senses dulled to how awful I was. I was immediately reprimanded for that remark.

So why is it? For months I've been trying to figure out, literally spending sleepless nights in wonder. When I ask around, people just tell me it's because I'm awesome. But, why am I awesome? I see myself as such, but for reasons none other would know about. I pride myself on the silent personal victories I've been able to overcome -- and that is why I think I'm awesome. But no one else can see those. So why?

A recent (yet increasingly frequent) example comes from a group of girls at school. All of the girls are very cute, petite, and stylish -- exactly the sort of girl any movie or TV protagonist would hope to woo (or be for that matter). So why is it that whenever they sit at my table during English, they rave about how pretty I am? Why do they address me as "Your Highness" and "Lady Brittanica", and act as my body guards for fun? Why have I been 'proposed' to by these girls more often then I've even been asked on dates? Why the hell do they love me when, according to the media, they are better than me?

I suppose an even more important question to propose would be this: What did I do to deserve such love and acceptance when all the odds are against me?